Overcoming My BIGGEST Battle In Life

"Anyone can give up, its the easiest thing to do. 

But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, 

that's TRUE STRENGTH."

At a very young age, I began to have very negative body image. I was bigger than the other girls...not fat, but I had bigger legs, I was taller, and I was not a skinny rail. I was often told by someone very important to me that I was not 'small' enough. I remember constantly being put on diets and being taught that I would just never be skinny and that I would never be able to share clothes with my friends like all the other girls did. I would never be able to wear a 
two-piece swimsuit, I would always be bigger and I needed to eat like a bird. 
Keep in mind...

(now I know this from looking at pictures of myself as a young girl)

I was not FAT.  I wasn't CHUBBY. 
BUT, because I wasn't skin and bone, 

I wasn't good enough.

Sounds crazy right? 

I was taught this. I was told this.

Well, being the perfectionist I am, and the competitive person I am, 

I became DETERMINED to SHOW that I could be THAT SKINNY GIRL

I developed and Eating Disorder.

Over time, I perfected the lies and the food and the workout regimen.

I was very good at it.

The best.

I could fool anyone.

(or so I thought)

I got really "skinny"

I was very unhealthy and I know I did a lot of damage to my body. 

The eating disorder started when I was about 14.

A mixture between bulimia and anorexia.

I'd switch off, anything to keep it a secret. 

It was MY secret.

I did anything to protect it.

All the while I hadn't realized I had much deeper issues.

until I realized I was no longer in control.

I COULDN'T STOP.

I was finally "skinny" but I wanted to be skinnier.

I still thought I was fat, even though I became thinner than most my TINY friends...

I was going crazy.

I felt TRAPPED

I FELT SO ALONE

I had so many friends, but not one person really knew what was going on inside me. 

I felt fake, I felt like a liar...

I went to the Universtiy of Utah

I had abandoned all my morals, my beliefs

I was lost. 

In time, people began to notice.

I couldn't hide it any longer and before I knew it,

SHIT HIT THE FAN...

I was caught, but part of me wanted to be caught. I knew I wasn't truly happy and that I needed help. I was admitted to a inpatient facility, called The Center For Change

A lock down treatment facility for eating disorders, that helped me change my life and gave me some of the tools to do so.  I met so many life long friends there and I was able to learn some great coping methods and get the root of some of my issues. 

When I left the Center for Change, I met my SOUL MATE. My BEST FRIEND. My ROCK. My husband. I had fallen in love and we got married. This guy...he did not put up with any of my crap. He called me out, he helped me. He believed in me. He knew I was strong. We began having kids and I got lazy in being healthy mentally....and soon enough, my eating disorder came back, I was struggling. I was hiding it from him but he started catching me. I wanted to be healthy,  mind and body, but I was losing control again and I needed help. 

THEN I FOUND CROSSFIT

Crossfit became my new addiction

THIS video, 

explains perfectly why I love crossfit 

and the reason I believe it helped me become healthy. 

I started believing myself

I began standing up for myself

I learned that sometimes people aren't meant to be your friends

I learned that its okay to say "NO"

I learned that this is MY life and 

NO ONE CAN MAKE CHOICES FOR ME

I began to be proud of myself

I am NOT perfect, and thats OKAY

That is REAL.

I learned that there is always tomorrow and you can always start over. 

All or Nothing is STUPID

and if people judge you, or leave you, or talk crap about you

kick them the hell out of your life.

  I AM WORTH IT

CROSSFIT 

 has taught me that my body can achieve amazing things.

I knew that I could make babies :)

I have 4 of them...

That is the most miraculous thing I have ever done.

But after my babies, 

crossfit has taught me that...

I CAN DO LOTS OF HARD THINGS.

It has taught me that I am a FIGHTER.

It has helped me be proud of my body and realize that my muscles can be put to use!

It has helped me realize,

strength is beauty and beauty is strength.

Confidence is beauty.

Being REAL is beautiful.

We are here on Earth to grow and change and help others do the same...
I feel like in Crossfit that is practiced everyday and it helps make me a better person. 

This short VIDEO always helps me realize, 

just 

HOW GREAT I AM and HOW GREAT I CAN BE.

I wore a two piece for the FIRST time last year.

The first time EVER.

I wore a two piece for the FIRST time in front of my family this summer.

Sounds so stupid and simple, 

kind of makes me laugh a little bit.

BUT I DID IT

and it felt awesome.

CHEERS to making people feel comfortable in their own skin.

Lets help people be healthy in body and in mind.

Lets be actively helping those around us with a positive attitude!

Happy Sunday!!!